Grief Cannot Be Outrun, or Be Beaten into Submission

At the risk of poking the universal bear, it feels like I'm on the other side of this grief that's been absolutely kicking my ass for two years. 

And sure, it'll return during an inappropriate moment or it'll keep me up some random night in the future, but for now? It's like the summer sun burning off a morning fog that's overstayed its welcome by several months too many. 

There are two lessons I've learned in this...two main ones, anyway; I'm sure there are a million others scattered throughout the digital pages of this blog:

1. You have to find time to sit with your grief.
2. It will end when it's done with you, not the reverse. 

I'm the king of throwing myself into new moments or projects purely so I can avoid dealing with things that are bigger than I am, the things that remain out of my control no matter how hard I might try to change them. This ain't that, though doing so anyway *did* elicit some interesting new happenings in my life. 

But there is also a new lightness of being, a headspace full of ease and quiet. I am able to focus better now (though still nowhere near where I was previously). The banality of a tough, but mundane task is no longer a sheer cliff-face stretching high up into the heavens out of reach. 

And though I'd rather not spend so many of my waking hours talking about grief, or the loss of parents/friends/lovers, it's been weirdly comforting to be a kind of shepherd for others going through this exact same experience of losing one or both parents. 'Call these people first; cancel accounts with these people second. Take literally all the time you need for yourself and get good at telling people no. It's okay to be seflish about how and where you spend your time. Go do something random to get out of your own head every so often. Exercise. Drink less booze, drink more water.'

I dunno. I hope I was able to help where the situation called for it. 

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With this newfound clear mind and better focus, I've decided this might be the year I apply for the company-paid MBA program through a local university. It was something I wanted to do early on, but wasn't allowed due to only being a contractor, not a full-time employee. Then the pandemic hit. Then mom got worse. You know the rest. 

I'm 44 and I have nothing but time at this point. Might as well do something with it. An MBA would not be my first choice, but I've always loved learning and this will only make me better at my job. 

Only two applicants from the office get chosen, so my chances aren't great...but if it means I get rejected, I just get more pool time with friends this summer. Win/win. 

*    *    *

I continue to do some livestream horror roleplaying with the Symphony Entertainment crew. They (and others closest to me) consistently remind me to have fun, to handle the serious shit, but to remember that lightness exists. That shit ain't gotta be so heavy all the time. I remember when I didn't need to have these reminders.

I'm loving the lean-in to the more gruesome aspects of the games. I love seeing how far we can push ourselves into our most uncomfortable places just to get a peek at what's behind the black curtain of shadow. 

I will be on a few upcoming streams that will be well worth a watch. We're currently doing a thing called Miskatonic May, where five writers of the games are running their own sessions. Some of the cast members you may have seen before, but many in this month's games are new. 

I hope you'll join for this one. Rina is especially great at running horrific messes of games that leave you thinking for awhile after. 

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