Under a Black Rainbow

My sleep has been absolute garbage for a while now. Previously, there's been a pattern of going to bed at a relatively normal hour (for me) around 10 or 11 and then waking up around 4 or 5 to get an early start on the day the way I tend to do. Recently, however, I'll fall asleep and then be awakened an hour or two later, shaken awake out of some chaotic fever dream, most of which I've forgotten, but this week's have been vivid and memorable for some unknown reason. A single moment in one found me in the middle of an important test, one that I'd studied for, but for which I found myself woefully unprepared. I could feel the immensity of my anxiety even in the dream state. Another moment found me outside on a tarmac, watching this behemoth of a machine composed of rusting metal; copper, steel, brass. All kinds stitched together with what seemed like bad soldering and frayed shoelaces. It was a monstrosity of machine parts, many of which looked like the nose o

This is pretty new territory for literally all of us. It's mad weird and I don't believe there's a single guidebook for us to follow. Suffice it to say, I am probably handling all of this poorly. Last year did not end great for me. In fact, if I could erase the majority of the second half of the year, I'd be thrilled. Alas, it remains clinging to me because that's how the past works. I am seven months on from my father's passing and I believe he's not been grieved properly. Then again, the more I turn the events of my last visit with him months previous over in my head, it feels like we both knew that was it, that our time had come to a close. I don't know; I can't speak for him, but that's just how it felt. I'm guessing plenty of that has snowballed into this current moment. Professionally, I'm in the best headspace I could possibly be. I continue to enjoy the luxury of working from home right now and my confidence with my posit