I Am Probably Handling All This Poorly

This is pretty new territory for literally all of us. It's mad weird and I don't believe there's a single guidebook for us to follow. Suffice it to say, I am probably handling all of this poorly.

Last year did not end great for me. In fact, if I could erase the majority of the second half of the year, I'd be thrilled. Alas, it remains clinging to me because that's how the past works. I am seven months on from my father's passing and I believe he's not been grieved properly. Then again, the more I turn the events of my last visit with him months previous over in my head, it feels like we both knew that was it, that our time had come to a close. I don't know; I can't speak for him, but that's just how it felt.

I'm guessing plenty of that has snowballed into this current moment.

Professionally, I'm in the best headspace I could possibly be. I continue to enjoy the luxury of working from home right now and my confidence with my position is through the roof, like I've earned the right to be where I am now. That I am no longer faking it, that I belong. It only took nearly two years to get to this place, but here I am. I am continuously thankful for the brilliant, hilarious, creative, and talented people I work with. There are plenty of tough days to ride out, but those coworkers make it easier to do so.

Personally, however - we are in grim, bleak times. Some of what I'm experiencing stems from my (inaccurate? naive?) expectations of other people. The rest of what I'm experiencing stems from the fact that I am simply not creating during a time that is normally overflowing with creative output. This includes three of my favorite pastimes: reading, writing, and music.

I've had more than a few people say they assume that I must be thriving these days, that this viral nuisance is some kind of creative maelstrom for me...and nothing could be further from the truth. I am creatively crippled and I have no explanation for it. "The tyranny of the blank page," as my friend Surya likes to call it, stares back at me and gives me nothing to work with. I have somewhere close to 20 stories on deck, ready to be written with ideas marinating...but when I sit down to bang them out, nothing comes.

I have to believe that part of this is from the emotional baggage being carried over from last year. I also have to believe that part of this is from the emotional baggage being carried now. Whatever the reason, I think I am probably handling all of this poorly. But I don't know. I recognize that I am not in a great headspace, but it's not one where anyone needs to be worried - I just recognize it for what it is. It is the place that puts others before myself at some risk to myself.

I've been down in this hole before. I remember the way out.

I've stopped trying to force empathy on the general public. Some will wear masks because they give a shit about the people around them and understand that, while not a perfect or entire solution, it is a help. Others will refuse to wear masks because they lack the empathy necessary to understand it's not about them, that it's not about their health but the health of others.

Whether through Twitter or via news broadcasts, I watch a so-called leader eschew the nature of facts and the work of an entire scientific community in favor of bolstering an economy that was already tipped out of favor of the people who help create said economy. If there were a single, solitary thought that made literally any sense, or a decision that did the same, I could make an argument on his behalf. But, he stands as a great and buffoonish effigy of the unsympathetic mass, a blisteringly bright symbol of idiocy in a time where we have access to so much information.

I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of listening to stupidity win where logic and intelligence once reigned. I can only do what I can do and hope that my actions speak louder than others' words.

On a much lighter note, there's an album that came out about a month ago, though I just found out about it this weekend. A producer I enjoy named Vanilla put out "Into the Dream" and it's magnificent. The second track immediately caught me by surprise and forced me to stop everything I was doing and listen. I've played it some 20 times since and it elicits the same feeling. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

"So here's to life...and every joy it brings." 

I'm looking forward to the 4-day week, fully understanding that so many have had far more numerous and stressful days away from their jobs. I'm looking forward to spending time in a pool with a bottle of champagne and the sun as my companions.

Maybe I've just been cooped up too long. I'm sure I will start handling all this better soon.

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