Street-Wise | Book-Smart | Heart-Stupid

 

I've begun a new writing project. Rather, I've got a ton of it done (via this blog), but I'm expanding and adding to the entries revolving around my grief and what I've done to address it head on. Along with the blog entries, I'm sprinkling in little bits of related fiction that I tried to start during the last 4 years. Thankfully, I have dates on things and can really pinpoint when a piece got started and what all was happening during that time period. I think it could be a fun way to explore my process and give people a more concentrated look into my methodologies. 

Several of the pieces have a very "lost in liminal spaces" feel to them, which makes all the sense in the world considering the kind of brain-fog I lived in for so long. It will be interesting to see where those pieces go now that the brain-fog has mostly lifted (though it is still a struggle to both read and write). 

And that struggle began the very morning my father died. Though my mother was insanely supportive of my endeavors, my father was my loudest, and most vocal, champion. There's the very real possibility that, at least on a subconcious level, I've been writing for him all this time, which potentially means there's no longer a reason to write. I don't much care for that answer, but it's the only one that has made much sense during my internal exploration of the problem. 

I hope I'm able to finish this book. Not because it will mean I'm back to writing, but because I hope it will help others wade through the absolute bullshit that is grief and grieving and loss and emptiness. It's not a place I would wish anyone to sit and stew in for very long. I've had some very, very dark nights with it and if nothing else, I hope I can help others find a way to navigate themselves out of it in the future. 

*    *    *

I will be hanging up the painting smock soon. I noticed this year that when I returned to the garage studio to paint once winter was over that my various paints had changed composition, some of them irreparably. So, I'll move most of them into the warmer parts of the house until the temperatures rise back above freezing sometime in the early spring. 

There is but one project I have yet to absolutely finish and I'm hoping to get started on it sooner than later. It is a massive, and important, project and I hope I'm able to do it justice in the way I'd like (and to the satisfaction of the individual for whom it's intended). 

*    *    *

The older I get, the less I seem to actually know. I don't know if that maxim is true for everyone, but I DO know that "ignorance is bliss" seems to make more sense to me these days, if only because it would allow me to dissociate from the thoughts and feelings that become abrasive to the soul. How nice it must be for those who can simply turn their feelings off or ignore them; I'd like that superpower since I often find myself drowning in mine. 

I've written about these pivotal moments in my life on multiple occasions in this blog, but my last big breakup (and relationship, really) was in 2005. It wasn't until I finished grad school in nearly 8 years later that I was ready to jump back into things...and then very little materialized with those I'd been interested in. Part of this was due to my lack of confidence, part of this was maybe not fully realizing what I wanted, and another part was just...bad timing in many places. 

For the last 18 years, I've been mostly deficient in the romance game. And I'm not sure if it's viable to pin any of it on how I was raised, but I didn't grow up in a household where there was tons of hugging and kissing; there was very little in the way of physical affection and that never really changed. Love at a distance (but most definitely there and tangible in many, many ways, don't get me wrong). 

In my San Francisco therapy session, it became pretty clear that I am very seriously lacking in the physical affection department. I am an empty vessel, a drained battery in need of charging and I know for a fact that I am at my best when I am charged (even if only halfway). 

In the longterm, I'm unsure of how to go about fixing this. The vast majority of my efforts have felt Sisyphean and completely ineffective. 

(8,480)