The Year in Lessons (2022)
Tough year. Tough several of them, honestly. Feels like I've been put through nearly all of the different emotional ringers, pinballing from one to another to another with barely a moment to stop and breathe. But every hurdle gets cleared eventually.
My dear friend (and birthday twin) Mel has a thing she does every year. A kind of "lessons I've learned this year," and it's an idea I've always enjoyed copying from her as it really forces me to take stock of the past so I can move differently (where needed) into the future. These are in absolutely no order whatsoever.
* * *
1. Grief is relentless and doesn't give two shits about your feelings. It never goes away, but it does change; it does evolve. And you'll get dragged through that evolution whether you like it or not, but do all the things you possibly can to get yourself to a steady place. Your boat will constantly continue to fill with water until you learn your best methods of addressing and draining the flood.
2. During all this, your 'real ones,' your 'ride or dies,' will accept, understand, and respect your distance.
3. Seems like I have a version of this every time, because I tend to let myself get caught up in shit that's out of my hands: you can't change how others perceive you or your actions. Ever. The best you can do is be the best version of yourself you think possible and hope that's how its received. Anything beyond that is a waste of your time and effort. So, too, are the people you think you need to prove this to.
4. While horribly cliché, having a muse to help focus some of your creative endeavors is great (and legitimately inspiring), but it ain't necessary for the creativity to flow. Sometimes you just have some shit to say and it refuses to remain supressed.
5. Listen to the aches and pains of your body, but take the frequent idiocy of the heart with a grain of salt.
6. Be open to new methodologies and new ways of thinking, but learn to filter out the ridiculous and the stupid (both of which are RAMPANT) because they are of zero actual help to you.
7. I have inside me a loud and sprawling choir of insecurities. They are perpetually greedy and hungry, and they are also very easily fed and strengthened; I need to learn how better to starve them, for they do me absolutely no good.
8. Layover v. Final Destination - I've been feeling like the former for a long time now. Whether due to my choices or my inability to choose, it'd be nice to be the latter for awhile (or just eventually). Though I don't really know why this is a thing with me or how to fix it. No one's been able to give me any insight.
9. "Remove the distractions; focus on the work" has been the way I tend to deal with most intensely emotional moments in my life. It works, but I need to remember to force myself into relaxation. Occasionally emptying the brain of all thought and all intent is restorative and helpful.
10. I've been saying it for years, but if I had to think on my "purpose" for being here on this earth? It's probably solely to create without much deviation from that plan. I am, however, hoping to make some serious revisions to that particular script as I don't care for all the other things that seems to exclude.
11. I would not wish my mental and emotional struggles over the last three years on anyone.
12. Having said that, I think sometimes we're meant to experience shit so that we can help guide others through their own similar crippling experiences.
* * *
I don't do New Years resolutions as I'm in a constant state of always trying to do and be better in every situation. I'd love to find a little solace though, a little bit of smooth mental sailing. It's also an annoying fact that the more I have my life together, the less fun I'm having. I was under the impression it would be different than that while I struggled all those years to get here.
My life is deficient in some pretty important things right now; it is also overflowing with some pretty great things.
- Expect more writing in 2023.
- Expect more art in 2023.
- Expect more digital silence and more in-person experiences from me in 2023.
"Riot #5"
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