Glass Buried in the Foot (Movement vs. Momentum)

 

I currently stand upon the precipice of some good changes. The start of the year had me wound up and anxious - one of the many reasons I also chose to drastically cut down my drinking from "nightly" to "once every couple of weeks or so." My grief was starting to seep back in and take hold of things and my personal constitution couldn't seem to fight it alone. I'm good in tough moments; I thrive in chaos, as my coworkers know. I keep my shit together and I rarely break, but I knew I was close to a very bad breaking point. 

So, after chatting with my doctor and a couple therapists, I went on a month-long leave from work and started a daily regiment of Zoloft. The problem with these types of drugs (SSRIs) is that they come with a number of physical and physiological downsides: lack of sexual interest, weight gain, a loss of purpose or sense of spatial ambiguity, and a pretty clear dissociation of your real self (all of which I hated immensely). 

And so we added Welbutrin to the mix to help aid in my focus (which was also negatively affected by the drugs, but also from just EVERYTHING that had been happening). The two seemed to be working well together, but there was still this...film...over my perception of things. Not quite a haze, but definitely a kind of feeling that prevented me from being as close to optimal as possible. 

So, two weeks ago, I cut the Zoloft out of my diet. I really hate not feeling like me and I haven't felt like myself in a good long while. With the removal of it from my intake, I've felt a gradual return to form. I am doing things more intentionally; there is a purpose I'm able to latch onto and feed that facilitates all this. Though my creative sparks have not been fully re-lit, I can sense the change coming. 

Not only have I prepped my fridge and pantry for a multitude of healthier eating choices to help slim down, but I had the help of a dear friend, who made me a very serious list of exercises to start doing to help slim down. I've also been stretching and walking about 3 miles a day (once before work, once at lunchtime, and a longer walk at the end of the work day). 

And as soon as I found myself locked in a good rhythm, life hit again. A small thing this time, but a substantial thing nonetheless. 

I cleaned my house, which is normally pretty clean as is, but I removed all the glass bottles and jars that had accumulated since the start of the year and took them to the recycling container. While emptying them all into said container, one massively large shard from someone else's collection (or a prior dumping) cut right through my shoe, my sock, and buried itself deep into my foot. I'm fine, it didn't require stitches, but it certainly halted the progress I was making in regards to my daily walks (though less problematic for my other workouts, which is great). 

*    *    *

Twice, just this week alone, a couple people have thrown out into the universe that they have problems "resting," and it's interesting how quickly we associate "rest" with "sleep." And as I told both friends, sleep is definitely A PART of "resting," but it is not the be all/end all. RESTING is different from person to person. The way I choose to recharge my batteries is different than how others might. I paint, because there is no clock and no person in my garage telling me how or when to paint. I paint at my leisure, regardless of time. I paint until I'm fucking done and then I move on to something else. I'm also trying to spend time reading out on my deck, though reading continues to be a massive uphill endeavor...which is infuriating. 

I believe that true rest comes from the intentional aspects of many things we do while awake, not just from the time spent asleep. The intentionality of telling others 'no,' for instance. The choice between staying in and doing whatever you'd rather do instead of going out and being social. The catching up of to-do list things around the house (which may sound weird, but this tends to help put MY mind at ease when I've handled business on the homefront). 

Ultimately, rest is how you recharge yourself while awake. It's how you recenter yourself when daily life things make you feel glitchy. Only you can know what kind of activities will bring you that level of comfort and restfulness that you're seeking. Hell, maybe it's you just spending time with a specific person, lover or not, that brings a little quietude to your mind. 

*    *    *

It's easy to get tripped up by the things that seem to stop your movement or your momentum forward. It's SO easy to fall into the trap of allowing these things more power than they actually have. I will stop walking for a couple days while my foot heals, yes. But that doesn't mean I stop all the other workouts on my plate and it certainly doesn't mean I stop trying to eat in a healthier way. 

I may not get all the rest I need or want this week, but I know that time will come if I continue to feel this intentional about other aspects of my life that have been lacking. Ebb and flow. 

Losing the feeling of movement doesn't mean you also lose the sensation of momentum, or the potentiality of its force. But if you find yourself in a place where you've lost both? Don't stop trying to get one of them back as soon as possible. 

Personally, I'm the worst version of myself when I have nothing on the horizon that I'm actively working or moving toward. But that's just me. 

(4,262)