6 Phrases That Should Never Come Out of a Non-Writer's Mouth

There's this interesting thing that happens when people who are not writers talk to people who are. I imagine this doesn't differ too much in other endeavors where those of us (who are uneducated in what someone does) ask some pretty dumb questions or say some pretty dumb things. I have no doubt that I have been on the giving end of this to several people at several points in my life. If you're one of those people and you're reading this, then please accept my apologies for I did not know what I was doing. 

Part of this is pure and innocent ignorance of what it is that we actually do, and that's both understandable and totally fine. Other phrases, as you'll see below, come from the kind of people that just expect you to do something for them without pay or because it's "what you do." These people are garbage and probably rarely ever pay an artist what they're worth. In all things, avoid them like the plague. 

Understand that this list is not comprehensive, but each of these phrases is almost equally cringe-worthy in scope. Please stop using them when you talk to writers.

1.) "You should write about that."

Here's the thing that's most aggravating about this phrase (and its many other iterations); to begin with, it tells me you've never read a thing I've written because you'd know that's not what I do. Or if you have read my stuff, it didn't make much of an impact on you. Both are mildly insulting. 

This phrase typically comes after some wild bit of life-happening occurs right in front of you and a friend or you and an acquaintance. It's usually something so random, so out of pocket, that you can't help but be stuck with the memory for a good long while. It may be a great story to tell over drinks, but it's unlikely to be something worth putting on the page. Also, if you think it's such a good idea for a story, then YOU should write it. Unless I tell someone I'm actively looking for ideas, there's no reason anyone should tell me what to write. I have a huge repository of ideas that's been building up for 20 years. Trust me - I'm good on that front. 

Stop saying this to your writer friends.

2.) "Have you thought about self-publishing?"

Well, gosh! Considering how difficult it is to get an agent and THEN to get a publishing house interested in anything I've written, I honestly hadn't thought about self-publishing. 

Of course I have. EVERY writer has. The pros and cons of both have been rattling around in all our collective heads since the moment we finished our first pieces. Publishing is literally the end-all for most of us. Writing is fun and enjoyable, but yeah...we like to find other people who like our stuff and put it out into the world on our behalf. It's a form of validation, and one that doesn't always pay (or pay much, usually), so yeah...we've definitely thought about self-publishing. It affects our publishing trajectory, it affects how other readers view us as authors, it affects how small, local bookstores look at us authors. There's a LOT of stigma attached to the self-publishing route, especially now that Amazon has made it easier to put out really decent looking books for no upfront costs. 

I got tired of hearing nothing back from agents and publishers, so I self-published. I doubt any agent will come across my work, fall instantly in love, and then get me into the right publishing house. But in the meantime, I can put out the books that I want in the manner that I think best suits my books, and that is wildly freeing. 

Yes. We've thought about this. Ask instead what prevents us from going the self-publishing route as that's an infinitely more complex question. 

3. "Can you write this (story/book/biography/whatever) for me?"

I can't tell you how much I hate this question. I don't get paid to write. I think out of the last 37 pieces that have been published, I've been paid about $200 total. And I think that's a pretty liberal estimate as the actual total is probably much, much lower. Over the last 7 years of publishing, I've made $200. 

So when you come to me with a phrase like this and you don't even bother to offer me any recompense for the work it entails, I will laugh in your face. When I don't get paid for my own stuff, that's on me. It's my choice to send my work to places that may or may not pay authors. But it's also my choice to spend an entire weekend trying to finish up a single 8-page story that maybe no one will ever read. 

But asking me to utilize my skills on your behalf requires me to sacrifice my time and my talents to help you out because you are, apparently, deficient in this particular area. I'm a pretty deficient painter, so if I want something painted, I'm going to pay someone to do it for me. I will gladly pay someone else for their skills when I lack those specific skills. 

I've had a number of people over the years ask me to write their autobiography. I'm more than happy to do so, but I tell them every time: "give me 100 written pages about your life and a dollar amount you think is fair for the work you expect me to do and I'll get cracking." 10 times out of 10, no one wants to put the work in themselves, but I don't know anything about your life, so you have to give me something to work with before I can even get started. Why would you ever assume anyone not related to you knows the entirety of your life? That's just absurd. 

4.) "How do I start writing?"

You sit your ass down at a table or splayed out on the floor and you put pen to paper or you start typing. 

That's literally it. Get out of your own way and start doing it. As far as hobbies go, it's pretty great because you can do it anywhere and IT'S FUCKING FREE TO DO. Almost no overhead required to become a writer. Except for buying books; buy a lot, read a lot. 

5.) "You should write my life story."

Please revisit my answer to number 3. Take it to heart. Memorize it, put it on a piece of paper that you look at often, tattoo it on your forehead, whatever. 

More importantly, IF you're going to make this statement to a writer, your life had better be damned interesting. You're asking someone to narrate the story of your life and if you spend your time working a shitty job, you don't do anything with your spare time after work, or you're just mad boring, NO ONE WILL READ THAT BOOK. Think about what's going to make you stand out from other people putting out books about their lives? What makes you so special? Why are you the beautiful snowflake other people are going to want to read about? Figure that out first before this phrase ever leaves your mouth. 

6.) "I don't have time to write." 

Yes you do, don't be lazy.

Oh, writing takes a lot of time? Boo-hoo. 

Oh, writing takes a lot of work without a lot of payoff? Boo-hoo. 

Last year, I was working two jobs (one of which averaged out to about 60 hours a week towards the end), handling a parent's illness, moving out of my apartment, I was DJing, and basically trying to hold my shit together so as to not lose it...and I still found a little time to write. Not much, and it wasn't good, but I did it because that's what you do. That's what needs to be done. 

You absolutely have the time to write, you just choose not to do it. Which is fine, but don't complain if you're not gonna work at it. I am where I am because I worked my ass off to get here. You don't get a story published every two months by doing the bare minimum; that comes from a lot of mistakes, a lot of bad writing, and then a lot of much better writing after learning from those mistakes. 

Set aside an hour a day, maybe half an hour. Even if you're squeezing out just a line or two, that's fine. Sometimes that's just how it starts. The majority of a writer's "writing time" is often thinking about where a story will go, character motivations, and other points of plot. Actual writing isn't always involved.

(Image by Tommy Ingberg)

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